The gripe sheet from UPS Pilots: around a long time

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe  sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The  mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,  and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next  flight.   Never let it be said that ground  crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance  complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the  solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance  engineers.   By the way, UPS  is the only major airline that has never,  ever had an accident.     P: Left  inside main tire almost needs  replacement. S: Almost replaced  left inside main tire. * P: Test  flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this   aircraft. * P: Something loose in  cockpit. S: Something tightened in  cockpit. * P: Dead bugs on  windshield. S: Live bugs on  back-order. * P: Autopilot in  altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute  descent. S:  Cannot reproduce problem  on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on  right main landing gear. S: Evidence  removed. * P: DME (Distance Measuring Equipment) volume  unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set  to more believable level. * P:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF ( Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF  mode. * P: Suspected crack in  windshield. S: Suspect you're  right. * P: Number 3 engine  missing. S: Engine  found on right wing  after brief search. * P: Aircraft  handles funny. (I love this one!) S:  Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be  serious. * P: Target radar  hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar  with lyrics. * P: Mouse in  cockpit. S: Cat  installed. * And the best one for  last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds  like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the  midget.

 

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Anthony Harper